Monday, March 28, 2005
It always seems that when I sit down to write anything for this blog I draw a complete blank. Lucky for the readers of our dear blog I went home for the weekend. I currently live in St Louis, but I hail from Minnesota--a suburb of St Paul called Maplewood. Every so often I go home to visit the family (not as often as they would like), and for some reason they always give me inspiration to talk about them. So today we are going to delve into the mysteries of families--most specifically mine.
I love my family dearly--don't ever doubt that as you continue reading. It is just that they don't seem to want to let go. I am 24, have a job, have friends, and have a great partner. Nonetheless, they don't seem to understand why I live 10 hours by car away. The newest reason for me to move back home is that I would do better. Let's examine that one. First off, I'm not doing badly. Yes, I have depression and anxiety, but really who doesn't? Plus, being at home wouldn't change that. Also, working through depression and anxiety is a personal thing, so I can't figure out why me being closer would help anything. I hate to break it to my folks, but I'm actually coping better not having them close so they can watch every move I make. Also, how would I do better? Is moving away from friends, a job, and my boyfriend really going to help that? I think not. Talk about a depressive episode--moving to a place where you have nothing. My parents are having trouble with the whole getting older thing. They don't like all the choices I make--hair color to job--but I don't know why they think I would make different choices if I lived closer. Also, I think it is about time I make decisions for myself. I also want to say that I think I'm doing a fine job making pretty decent choices, and living with those choices. I know, I know, parents will always be your parents, but when are they going to trust I'm not going to go off the deep end, and if I am I will at least call them first? Seriously. Plus, I like my life here. Okay, enough rambling on the parental guilt. Let's move on to something else. How about my relationship?
What is it that makes my parents think that I am in a less than ideal relationship? Um, excuse me, but who is actually in the relationship? That's what I thought. I know my mom wants what is best for me, but I know that Metro is it. You all have probably guessed not everything is sunshine and roses all the time, but I ask you, when is a relationship all sunshine and roses? A real relationship takes work, dedication, and communication. Guess what? Metro and I have all three of those things plus many others. I think the hardest part is that my mom has never met Metro and Nicholas. We will definitely remedy that in the future, but until then she has to just let go. Quote of the weekend for my mom: "I want you to be in a committed relationship, I'm just not sure the relationship you're in is the right one for you." She later recanted after my dad stepped in and told her that was a bad thing to say. Anyway...I have to keep reminding myself that I am 24 years old now, and that my parents' opinion doesn't equal law. It's hard when you grew up as a parent's wet dream--never doing anything wrong or questioning their decisions. I do that now and they look at me funny. Then again, it might be the new hair color as well...
at |12:41 PM|
Friday, March 18, 2005
I don't really have anything inspiring to say, but I feel the need to enlighten our wonderful readers with the monotony of life. Sometimes, the things that seem the most dull at the time can be remembered upon the most fondly. Therefore, I will provide you with a look into our life.
Metro's tongue has finally stopped swelling, and on Sunday he will be able to put in a smaller barbell. That will be good. He loves his piercing--he says he likes the way the metal feels in his mouth. I can't wait to find out what the metal feels like in my mouth! Hee-hee! Mostly I can't wait to fully kiss him again. Metro has the best lips and kisses. I think it's the way he holds me in his arms--it's not just perfunctory, if you know what I mean. On Sunday I think I am going to re-pierce my right nipple. About 5 months ago Metro and I pierced our nipples. My left one never stayed, so I had to have it repierced vertically. Now I have one horizontal and one vertical. I'm going to redo my right nipple so it too is vertical. I want matching piercings. You understand.
Nicholas is definitely growing up. In the almost seven months we have been together I have watched Nicholas gain confidence and knowledge. He is beautiful, smart, and has more energy in an hour than I do most days. The other day I picked him up from daycare and this little girl asked him if I was his mommy. He looked at her and said, "No, she's my [Red]." Heartbreaking. He then went on to tell me how I'm his family. For not being my biological child it is getting harder and harder not to think of him in that way. He is also making me rethink my policy on children. Before, I never wanted to birth a child. Now... well, I still don't want to birth a child, but I want someone to call me mommy--when I'm ready, not right now.
I have been extremely busy at work, putting me into a stressed out mood. I've been shaking with stress, and consequently I haven't been feeling well. Thankfully Lobby Day is now over, so hopefully I will cut out some stress. I know that it's been kind of hard on Metro who I think wonders why I can't just let it go. Such is the life of a perfectionist... Hopefully this weekend Metro and I will have some time to reconnect.
I'm thinking about getting my MBA in a year and a half, so I'm in research phase. If anyone knows of any good programs or some advice on business school send me a line and let me know. I think this whole business school idea has put some stress in our realtionship. It's hard to think about the future of a relationship if one person might be moving away. I want Metro to know that I am confident in the future of our relationship, and my decisions about which business school to attend is not only about program, it is about us as well. He doesn't want me to take him into consideration in choosing schools so I don't end up resenting him. It's not like I'd let go of a dream to be with him, but dreams come in many forms, and there are plenty of good schools where we live.
I should probably go back to work. We have a meeting with Representative Russ Carnahan coming up on Monday, March 21 from 7-9pm. I need to go finish preparing for the meeting. If any of you live in the St. Louis area and are interested in meeting a progressive, pro-choice Federal Representative come on by. We are having the meeting at the Hartford Coffee Company which is located 3974 Hartford Ave in St. Louis. Hope to see you there!
at |11:15 AM|
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Thanks for the advice, Darbi. It hasn't been 72 hours yet, but I'm starting to get annoyed with the swelling. But, it's all worth it. I love it. What to pierce next? Hmmm.
Anyway, I haven't been here in a while, because like Red said (fred, dead, ned, led) I've been really working a lot on my business blog. But, such is life. Things are going well. Business is starting to pick up, and I recently started a novel, which also takes a lot of me time. Red and I are chugging along, even though we haven't been able to spend a whole lot of time together recently.
We had a "talk" about a week or two ago that went pretty well. We both said a lot of things that we'd been carrying around. It felt really good to clear the air a bit, but I must admit that it brought up quite a few other questions in my mind. I guess, we began a conversation but I don't think we've ended it yet. For me, anyway, things were left in an odd spot. But, that's just me.
Red's not feeling well lately. My tongue feels like I have a mouthful of cotton, so I'm not much in the mood to talk. I don't know. Things just seem good, but in a something's-hovering-over-us kind of way. Does that make any freakin' sense?
Gotta go. Thanks to all those that read this blog, especially Darbi. And, I love you, RED.
at |10:04 AM|
Monday, March 14, 2005
So It's been a while since either Metro or I have posted, but there has been very good reasons for that. First, I have been extremely busy at work. We have our annual Lobby Day coming up, and there has been a lot of work. Plus, some days you just can't use blogging as an excuse for work. Metro, on the other hand, has been busy working on his blog. It is really a fantastic blog, and you all should go check it out. It combines humor with good ideas on how to be a successful writer. Plus, if any of you are interested in being aq writer, want to be a better writer, or want help getting published you should check out his website. Okay, aside from blantant advertising for my partner's services, I will talk about news in our relationship.
Really, nothing that new is happening. We are still going strong, and are looking at hopefully going to my parents over Memorial Day Weekend. Other than that Metro got his tounge pierced yesterday. I can't wait for it to heel, but until then he's a bit swollen. I'm looking to get something else pierced, so if anyone has any suggestions on what piercings you think are hot please leave a tag. I should go back to work on Lobby Day preparations. This good pro-choice thoughts tomorrow.
at |2:48 PM|
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Mr. Banana-head who?
Mr. Banana-head na-na seventy thirty one twelve hundred seven sponge bob man!
If this joke makes sense to you then you are spending too much time with four year olds like this cutest one named Nicholas.
at |4:46 PM|
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Red. You're blog totally sweet. Don't work too hard. And thanks for the shirt, film (yes, I'm an amatuer photographer), dish towels, measuring cups, gummy bears, and picture frame. But, I was really hoping for hair nets. Oh well, maybe next year.
at |2:08 PM|
Today is Metro's 30th Birthday! So I would like to take this blog and give him 30 Birthday wishes!
30 Birthday Wishes and Reasons I Love Metro
I wish you happiness in the upcoming year.
I love the way your buzzed hair feels on my hand as I rub your head.
I wish you peace in your heart and mind.
I love your smile and crooked teeth.
I wish you to find employment in your craft.
I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile real big.
I wish that you and Nicholas continue to grow and father and son.
I love the way you are tickelish on your tummy from even the lightest touch.
I wish you time alone.
I love the way you hold my hand in public.
I wish you publication in your journal of choice.
I love the way you journal at night, seeing the words settle on to the page from your head.
I wish you joy.
I love the way you and Nicholas cuddle.
I wish you a spark of genius.
I love the way you kiss the back of my neck as we're falling asleep.
I wish you a vacation to Jamaica.
I love the way you order almost the same thing everytime we go to the Diner.
I wish you a date of your choice.
I love the fact that you hate wearing shoes and socks.
I wish you time.
I love the fact that you have the sense of humor of a 12 year old sometimes.
I wish you the chance to do something you've always wanted to do.
I love the way you look in button up shirts.
I wish you friends that understand you.
I love the way drink coffee no matter what time of the day it is.
I wish your coffee cup filled with only good coffee.
I love the fact that you are left handed, but the only thing you do left handed is write.
I wish you love beyond your wildest dreams and desires.
I love the way you love me.
Happy Birthday Metro. I love you.
at |10:15 AM|
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
I'm not real sure this is the appropriate forum for this but oh well. I don't think I ever said anything about you pressuring me. In fact, I'm sure I didn't say that. I'm really quite unsure what I said that upset you so much. And, for the record, I'm not sulking. I'm just not in the place I'd like to be emotionally and mentally. I'm not asking you to understand what I'm going through, because I don't think that I go through anything that other people don't. A hard lesson to learn is humility; understanding I'm not any more or less than anyone else. I am what I am. This applies to staying clean, too. I'm not going to use staying clean as an excuse for feeling bad sometimes. Sometimes we feel bad, and usually we get over it. If anything, being in recover makes my life EASIER. It was much more difficult when I was using and losing everything.
I apologize for being distant. I'm not entirely sure what is bothering me, which is one of the reasons I don't talk about it. I'm afraid I'll say something that I don't mean tomorrow. Know what I mean? One of my many character defects, is that I think everything I say and feel is eternal. I just have to come to understand that just because I feel one way today, does not mean I will feel that way tomorrow. That doesn't mean I can't express it. Easier said than done. I'll be the first to admit that I'm sometimes difficult. I just feel aggravated a lot.
I really don't know what else to say. So, I guess I'm going to go isolate now since that's what I do best.
at |12:12 PM|
I try hard to understand what is going through your head. I try to sympathize with your struggle. I know you are struggling with finding a job, and I know that it can't always be easy staying clean. However, right now I don't understand you. I can't break this code you have surrounding you--as if you are encrypted that only others can read. I can't understand why you have been sulking. I like to play it off to being bored, wanting a job, just being in limbo. Yet I wonder why you don't tell me this. Why won't you open up, tell me that these things are bothering you? Why don't you say that you're annoyed or bothered or tired or cranky? Why do I have to guess? Then last night you opened up to me and I was surprised at what you had to say. I know you have said this in the past, but I thought I was doing better. I didn't realize I was putting such pressure on you--making you feel like you were being put in a place to say no to me. I never want that. I can't help it if I want you. I don't feel the same way, and in someways I am partially offended by how you feel. I didn't think this was a problem, and I don't feel bad that I want to be intimate with you. Metro, I feel that we have a very successful and healthy relationship, and it worries me that you don't or might not feel that way. Please talk to me--explain what is going on. Talk to me. Metro, I love you so much, and each passing day reminds me why I love you. You are understanding of who I am. You care about me and this world as a whole. You are a wonderful father who teaches his son about the world around him with compassion and love. You believe in a Higher Power and look to it for spiritual guidence and hope. You are sensitive and good natured. Your sense of humor makes me smile and laugh, often times when I don't want to do either of those things. You know how to hold me when I am sad, tired, or just want a hug. I could go on and on, but people would not want to hear about all of that... Metro, I love you, and in a lot of ways I am a better person for all the lessons you have taught me. Please let me know what is going on in your head and heart.
at |11:08 AM|