A Living Relationship

The subject of Family

2005-03-28T12:41:00.000-06:00

It always seems that when I sit down to write anything for this blog I draw a complete blank. Lucky for the readers of our dear blog I went home for the weekend. I currently live in St Louis, but I hail from Minnesota--a suburb of St Paul called Maplewood. Every so often I go home to visit the family (not as often as they would like), and for some reason they always give me inspiration to talk about them. So today we are going to delve into the mysteries of families--most specifically mine.

I love my family dearly--don't ever doubt that as you continue reading. It is just that they don't seem to want to let go. I am 24, have a job, have friends, and have a great partner. Nonetheless, they don't seem to understand why I live 10 hours by car away. The newest reason for me to move back home is that I would do better. Let's examine that one. First off, I'm not doing badly. Yes, I have depression and anxiety, but really who doesn't? Plus, being at home wouldn't change that. Also, working through depression and anxiety is a personal thing, so I can't figure out why me being closer would help anything. I hate to break it to my folks, but I'm actually coping better not having them close so they can watch every move I make. Also, how would I do better? Is moving away from friends, a job, and my boyfriend really going to help that? I think not. Talk about a depressive episode--moving to a place where you have nothing. My parents are having trouble with the whole getting older thing. They don't like all the choices I make--hair color to job--but I don't know why they think I would make different choices if I lived closer. Also, I think it is about time I make decisions for myself. I also want to say that I think I'm doing a fine job making pretty decent choices, and living with those choices. I know, I know, parents will always be your parents, but when are they going to trust I'm not going to go off the deep end, and if I am I will at least call them first? Seriously. Plus, I like my life here. Okay, enough rambling on the parental guilt. Let's move on to something else. How about my relationship?

What is it that makes my parents think that I am in a less than ideal relationship? Um, excuse me, but who is actually in the relationship? That's what I thought. I know my mom wants what is best for me, but I know that Metro is it. You all have probably guessed not everything is sunshine and roses all the time, but I ask you, when is a relationship all sunshine and roses? A real relationship takes work, dedication, and communication. Guess what? Metro and I have all three of those things plus many others. I think the hardest part is that my mom has never met Metro and Nicholas. We will definitely remedy that in the future, but until then she has to just let go. Quote of the weekend for my mom: "I want you to be in a committed relationship, I'm just not sure the relationship you're in is the right one for you." She later recanted after my dad stepped in and told her that was a bad thing to say. Anyway...I have to keep reminding myself that I am 24 years old now, and that my parents' opinion doesn't equal law. It's hard when you grew up as a parent's wet dream--never doing anything wrong or questioning their decisions. I do that now and they look at me funny. Then again, it might be the new hair color as well...

--Red

A Mish-mash of thoughts--ramblings

2005-03-18T11:15:00.000-06:00

I don't really have anything inspiring to say, but I feel the need to enlighten our wonderful readers with the monotony of life. Sometimes, the things that seem the most dull at the time can be remembered upon the most fondly. Therefore, I will provide you with a look into our life.

Metro's tongue has finally stopped swelling, and on Sunday he will be able to put in a smaller barbell. That will be good. He loves his piercing--he says he likes the way the metal feels in his mouth. I can't wait to find out what the metal feels like in my mouth! Hee-hee! Mostly I can't wait to fully kiss him again. Metro has the best lips and kisses. I think it's the way he holds me in his arms--it's not just perfunctory, if you know what I mean. On Sunday I think I am going to re-pierce my right nipple. About 5 months ago Metro and I pierced our nipples. My left one never stayed, so I had to have it repierced vertically. Now I have one horizontal and one vertical. I'm going to redo my right nipple so it too is vertical. I want matching piercings. You understand.

Nicholas is definitely growing up. In the almost seven months we have been together I have watched Nicholas gain confidence and knowledge. He is beautiful, smart, and has more energy in an hour than I do most days. The other day I picked him up from daycare and this little girl asked him if I was his mommy. He looked at her and said, "No, she's my [Red]." Heartbreaking. He then went on to tell me how I'm his family. For not being my biological child it is getting harder and harder not to think of him in that way. He is also making me rethink my policy on children. Before, I never wanted to birth a child. Now... well, I still don't want to birth a child, but I want someone to call me mommy--when I'm ready, not right now.

I have been extremely busy at work, putting me into a stressed out mood. I've been shaking with stress, and consequently I haven't been feeling well. Thankfully Lobby Day is now over, so hopefully I will cut out some stress. I know that it's been kind of hard on Metro who I think wonders why I can't just let it go. Such is the life of a perfectionist... Hopefully this weekend Metro and I will have some time to reconnect.

I'm thinking about getting my MBA in a year and a half, so I'm in research phase. If anyone knows of any good programs or some advice on business school send me a line and let me know. I think this whole business school idea has put some stress in our realtionship. It's hard to think about the future of a relationship if one person might be moving away. I want Metro to know that I am confident in the future of our relationship, and my decisions about which business school to attend is not only about program, it is about us as well. He doesn't want me to take him into consideration in choosing schools so I don't end up resenting him. It's not like I'd let go of a dream to be with him, but dreams come in many forms, and there are plenty of good schools where we live.

I should probably go back to work. We have a meeting with Representative Russ Carnahan coming up on Monday, March 21 from 7-9pm. I need to go finish preparing for the meeting. If any of you live in the St. Louis area and are interested in meeting a progressive, pro-choice Federal Representative come on by. We are having the meeting at the Hartford Coffee Company which is located 3974 Hartford Ave in St. Louis. Hope to see you there!

--Red

2005-03-16T10:04:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the advice, Darbi. It hasn't been 72 hours yet, but I'm starting to get annoyed with the swelling. But, it's all worth it. I love it. What to pierce next? Hmmm.

Anyway, I haven't been here in a while, because like Red said (fred, dead, ned, led) I've been really working a lot on my business blog. But, such is life. Things are going well. Business is starting to pick up, and I recently started a novel, which also takes a lot of me time. Red and I are chugging along, even though we haven't been able to spend a whole lot of time together recently.

We had a "talk" about a week or two ago that went pretty well. We both said a lot of things that we'd been carrying around. It felt really good to clear the air a bit, but I must admit that it brought up quite a few other questions in my mind. I guess, we began a conversation but I don't think we've ended it yet. For me, anyway, things were left in an odd spot. But, that's just me.

Red's not feeling well lately. My tongue feels like I have a mouthful of cotton, so I'm not much in the mood to talk. I don't know. Things just seem good, but in a something's-hovering-over-us kind of way. Does that make any freakin' sense?

Gotta go. Thanks to all those that read this blog, especially Darbi. And, I love you, RED.

--metro

So it's been a while...

2005-03-14T14:48:00.000-06:00

So It's been a while since either Metro or I have posted, but there has been very good reasons for that. First, I have been extremely busy at work. We have our annual Lobby Day coming up, and there has been a lot of work. Plus, some days you just can't use blogging as an excuse for work. Metro, on the other hand, has been busy working on his blog. It is really a fantastic blog, and you all should go check it out. It combines humor with good ideas on how to be a successful writer. Plus, if any of you are interested in being aq writer, want to be a better writer, or want help getting published you should check out his website. Okay, aside from blantant advertising for my partner's services, I will talk about news in our relationship.

Really, nothing that new is happening. We are still going strong, and are looking at hopefully going to my parents over Memorial Day Weekend. Other than that Metro got his tounge pierced yesterday. I can't wait for it to heel, but until then he's a bit swollen. I'm looking to get something else pierced, so if anyone has any suggestions on what piercings you think are hot please leave a tag. I should go back to work on Lobby Day preparations. This good pro-choice thoughts tomorrow.

--Red

Knock, knock me out!

2005-03-03T16:46:00.000-06:00

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Mr. Banana-head.

Mr. Banana-head who?

Mr. Banana-head na-na seventy thirty one twelve hundred seven sponge bob man!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If this joke makes sense to you then you are spending too much time with four year olds like this cutest one named Nicholas.

Yeah, that's right- I'm old....

2005-03-02T14:08:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the birthday wishes, Red. You're blog totally sweet. Don't work too hard. And thanks for the shirt, film (yes, I'm an amatuer photographer), dish towels, measuring cups, gummy bears, and picture frame. But, I was really hoping for hair nets. Oh well, maybe next year.

-metro

Happy Birthday Metro

2005-03-02T10:15:00.000-06:00

Today is Metro's 30th Birthday! So I would like to take this blog and give him 30 Birthday wishes!

30 Birthday Wishes and Reasons I Love Metro

I wish you happiness in the upcoming year.
I love the way your buzzed hair feels on my hand as I rub your head.
I wish you peace in your heart and mind.
I love your smile and crooked teeth.
I wish you to find employment in your craft.
I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile real big.
I wish that you and Nicholas continue to grow and father and son.
I love the way you are tickelish on your tummy from even the lightest touch.
I wish you time alone.
I love the way you hold my hand in public.
I wish you publication in your journal of choice.
I love the way you journal at night, seeing the words settle on to the page from your head.
I wish you joy.
I love the way you and Nicholas cuddle.
I wish you a spark of genius.
I love the way you kiss the back of my neck as we're falling asleep.
I wish you a vacation to Jamaica.
I love the way you order almost the same thing everytime we go to the Diner.
I wish you a date of your choice.
I love the fact that you hate wearing shoes and socks.
I wish you time.
I love the fact that you have the sense of humor of a 12 year old sometimes.
I wish you the chance to do something you've always wanted to do.
I love the way you look in button up shirts.
I wish you friends that understand you.
I love the way drink coffee no matter what time of the day it is.
I wish your coffee cup filled with only good coffee.
I love the fact that you are left handed, but the only thing you do left handed is write.
I wish you love beyond your wildest dreams and desires.
I love the way you love me.

Happy Birthday Metro. I love you.

--Red

2005-03-01T12:12:00.000-06:00

I'm not real sure this is the appropriate forum for this but oh well. I don't think I ever said anything about you pressuring me. In fact, I'm sure I didn't say that. I'm really quite unsure what I said that upset you so much. And, for the record, I'm not sulking. I'm just not in the place I'd like to be emotionally and mentally. I'm not asking you to understand what I'm going through, because I don't think that I go through anything that other people don't. A hard lesson to learn is humility; understanding I'm not any more or less than anyone else. I am what I am. This applies to staying clean, too. I'm not going to use staying clean as an excuse for feeling bad sometimes. Sometimes we feel bad, and usually we get over it. If anything, being in recover makes my life EASIER. It was much more difficult when I was using and losing everything.

I apologize for being distant. I'm not entirely sure what is bothering me, which is one of the reasons I don't talk about it. I'm afraid I'll say something that I don't mean tomorrow. Know what I mean? One of my many character defects, is that I think everything I say and feel is eternal. I just have to come to understand that just because I feel one way today, does not mean I will feel that way tomorrow. That doesn't mean I can't express it. Easier said than done. I'll be the first to admit that I'm sometimes difficult. I just feel aggravated a lot.

I really don't know what else to say. So, I guess I'm going to go isolate now since that's what I do best.

An open letter to Metro

2005-03-01T11:08:00.000-06:00

Dear Metro,

I try hard to understand what is going through your head. I try to sympathize with your struggle. I know you are struggling with finding a job, and I know that it can't always be easy staying clean. However, right now I don't understand you. I can't break this code you have surrounding you--as if you are encrypted that only others can read. I can't understand why you have been sulking. I like to play it off to being bored, wanting a job, just being in limbo. Yet I wonder why you don't tell me this. Why won't you open up, tell me that these things are bothering you? Why don't you say that you're annoyed or bothered or tired or cranky? Why do I have to guess? Then last night you opened up to me and I was surprised at what you had to say. I know you have said this in the past, but I thought I was doing better. I didn't realize I was putting such pressure on you--making you feel like you were being put in a place to say no to me. I never want that. I can't help it if I want you. I don't feel the same way, and in someways I am partially offended by how you feel. I didn't think this was a problem, and I don't feel bad that I want to be intimate with you. Metro, I feel that we have a very successful and healthy relationship, and it worries me that you don't or might not feel that way. Please talk to me--explain what is going on. Talk to me. Metro, I love you so much, and each passing day reminds me why I love you. You are understanding of who I am. You care about me and this world as a whole. You are a wonderful father who teaches his son about the world around him with compassion and love. You believe in a Higher Power and look to it for spiritual guidence and hope. You are sensitive and good natured. Your sense of humor makes me smile and laugh, often times when I don't want to do either of those things. You know how to hold me when I am sad, tired, or just want a hug. I could go on and on, but people would not want to hear about all of that... Metro, I love you, and in a lot of ways I am a better person for all the lessons you have taught me. Please let me know what is going on in your head and heart.

Love,
--Red

Silent Night

2005-02-28T16:01:00.000-06:00

My favorite time with Metro is night time, when the city has turned down its lights, the noise has faded to the distant, and all you know is where you are. The streetlights shine through the windows, creating horizontal stripes on the wall and floor as it sneaks through the ventition blinds. This is our time, a time when the only person we are wondering about is each other. Last night was no execption.

We usually sleep at Metro's house, and while my bed is more comfortable he has a better living room. However, I stay at my house on Sundays because I like to start my week out waking in my own apartment. Metro tucked me into bed, and was on his way home when I asked him to stay and chat a while. He laid down next to me and we talked. It had been a while. Don't get me wrong, Metro and I talk all the time, but it is above the din of the television, other patrons in restuarants and coffee shops, the songs on the radio. Rarely do we elliviate the noise and spend time talking. It seems that if we are able to shut off the noise all we want to do then is fall asleep or maybe, if we're lucky, mess around. It is amazing to me how until we talked without background noise did I realize how much we were missing.

So tonight when I get home from a long night at work and the only thing I want to do is turn on the TV, light up a cigarette, and decompress, I will try it another way. Metro and I will turn off the TV, dim the lights, smoke our cigarettes and decompress by talking. I know we have been missing just talking because even in our "I'll be right there" phone calls they have been turning into 5 minutes of "What's going on."

So, tonight, Metro, I want to know, "What's going on..."

--Red

Who wouldn't like some more self-help

2005-02-28T13:08:00.000-06:00

So, Red and I are thinking about writing a meditation book for couples who are not married- or been together for eons. What do you think? Is that something you'd find useful. Let us know.

-metro

Yeah! I've been annoying... so sue me:)

2005-02-28T13:02:00.000-06:00

Okay, Red, I know I've been a bit unavailable for a week or so. I apologize. I'm going to try and do better. I miss just hanging out. I don't know, I've got a lot on my mind. Probably help if we talked about it-- wow! actually do something healthy! I must be getting better. Anyway, the dress is hot. A definitely see a photo-op in the near future. Love you
--metro

Thanks

2005-02-25T10:10:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the Highlander Grog coffee from the Soulard Coffee House (yummy) and the card. I love you, Red

-metro

6 Months

2005-02-24T12:32:00.000-06:00

Today, Red and I have been together six months. Not too long, huh? Believe me, with the amount of things we've been through, we might as well be counting in dog years. I just wanted to take the time to say I love her and discuss time. It's nice to recognize it, but I try not to place to much emphasis on it. More important, is today. How do I feel today? How am I acting today? Do I express my gratitude today?

For me, getting caught up in time is a dangerous thing. I start to get complacent; I think ~~I've~~ we've MADE it. Then, it seems that I can settle in and do nothing, which is a sure-fire way to end up with no relationship. I speak from 8 years of marraige experience. Red and I often talk about living in the day. That's why it's so important to me. I can't predict tomorrow. I can't change yesterday. I can only do the best with what I have today. And, TODAY, I am so grateful to have Red in my life.

One last comment. Love is a verb, not a feeling. Loving someone is not some pattering of the heart or heating of the blood. Loving is giving without expectations. I pray that, today, I can continue to LOVE Red as much I know she loves me.

Rethinking

2005-02-21T17:21:00.000-06:00

Recently I said I had been avoiding this blog and I wasn't sure why. This weekend I realized that I'm taking it way too seriously; that I always feel like I have to say something unbelievable or revolutionize relationships in general. So, apparently, I'm still an idiot. But, at least, I know it. One of the reasons for A Living Relationship was to just have a little fun, explore ideas on relationships, and get over myself. I'm not doing very good at any of those categories. But, it's a new day.

I'd like to know if I'm the only person that thinks their partner-- uh hum. red that's you, you might not want to continue reading-- is a little toooooooo open with others sometimes. You know, I really don't care what she tells her friends, but I just don't necessarily want to know. I've found that, today, it's really important for me to set boundaries in relationships. And, I try and encourage Red to do the same. I'm plagued with the can't-you-read-my-mind syndrome (see codependency). You know the one. It gets you aggravated and keeps you in your self-pity. As Cookie Monster would say "Boundaries. MMMM Gooooooooooodddddd!" Or something to that affect.

Me? I'm just gonna keep on keeping on. Life's a garden dig it. Incandifereous.

The Question of the Future

2005-02-21T12:51:00.000-06:00

We all know how hard it is to take relationships one day at a time. Especially when they are going so well. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about, especially if you're a woman. I'm not trying to stereotype or anything, but in my experience, it is usually the woman in the relationship (that is if it is a heterosexual one, and that is the only experience I have to draw on) who is pushing for some kind of committment. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Woman: "I've been having a lot of fun with you lately. I really like where this is going."
Man: "Yeah, me too. We have a lot of fun when we hang out."
Woman: "So, where do you think this is going?"
Man: "Um...what do you mean? I think we're having a lot of fun."
Woman: "Well, of course we are. What I mean is where do you see us in a year, or do you even see us still together in a year? Are you not happy with us? Do you not see us continuing? I mean, I really have fun with you and I love you and you love me, so where are we heading?"

At this point the conversation has turned from "we're doing great right now" to "I want some sort of committment." In my experience this conversation doesn't usually lead anywhere positive. Most of the time the couple is left having a conversation that is painful and leaves one of both unsatisfied. I will be the first to admit that I, too, have wanted to have this conversation. Especially since Metro and I have such a great relationship. However, a word to the wise--it never ends well. You must ask yourself a couple of questions BEFORE you begin this conversation.

Are you prepared to accept any anser?
What exactly is the answer you want?
Are you ready to committ to this person whole heartedly?
What is you motivation? If all you want is to feel loved and secure there are many other ways to go about it. DO NOT have this conversation if all you want to get out of it is knowing he loves you. If you don't already know this then DO NOT have this conversation

Relationships are like living organisms. You have to let them grow at their own pace. There is nothing wrong with adding a little extra vitamins such as a special night out or a small gift that illustrates your feelings, but don't think the spout is a tree before it actually is.

One last thing. I love Metro, and despite my own insecurities, I trust that he loves me as well. Yes, I think about marrying him--having that idylic wedding and such, but I try to focus on dinner and the next special date we will have. I truly believe that Metro and I will get to the place we are meant to be and where our Higher Power wants to take us, but there is no sense in speeding that process along. Rushing through relationships and life makes you miss a lot of the small fun stuff along the way. I will probably continue to think about that damn white dress, but I will keep those thoughts to myself. There is no reason to bring in a conversation that isn't meant to be had... yet.

--Red

Huh....

2005-02-17T14:15:00.000-06:00

For whatever reason, I've been avoiding this blog. Each time I try and think of something to write about, I just give up and start surfing the Internet or writing on my other blogs. Hmm. I'm not really sure why. Maybe, because Red is in a funk, and I'm not sure what to say. Maybe, because I'm tired of writing the same old stuff. It's interesting: we started A Living Relationship in order to have a place to journal about our relationship-- sort of a safe place. I don't feel real safe here right now. I find myself trying to watch what I say. It probably has something to do with the fact that some members of my family read it occasionly. I don't know. I just don't feel like I can be totally honest. What we feel today will change tomorrow. Next week, I'll probably be droning on and on about crops and fetish wear. Who knows?

Fighting for Balance

2005-02-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety lately, and I know it has been hard for Metro. He has been so supportive in letting me be sad, but I know he wishes I would just snap out of it. Then again, so do I. He keeps asking me the reason behind my sudden lapse into depression and anxiety. I honestly don't know. If I did I could try to find away around it. I made the typical depressive mistake today and asked if I was still a good partner even being depressed. Luckily he answered that he wouldn't validate me that way and that he loves me for who I am--faults and all I suppose. It's hard when the panic creeps up on you and your heart starts to race. It's also hard not to cry when you see something only sort of sad. For example, I was watching Gilmore Girls and Lorilei and Luke broke up and I got all sad. I may be a sentimental person, but it's just a TV show. Then I started down the train of thought of what if I'm too depressed, then Metro will break up with me. That is ridiculous. After all, we all have our own set of issues, and as long as I am consistently working on mine then there is no reason for him to break up with me. Silly me. Enough of me being all depressed.

Metro has the sweetest son who is four. It was a bit of a challenge for me going into a relationship with someone with a child. Now, however, I see his son as being as close to me as if he were my own sometimes. Metro is a wonderful father, and it is this quality that pretty much cinched my love for him. That, and the first time I met his son, his son told me I was pretty and sounded nice. If that isn't a rave review from a four year old I don't know what is. We get to have him for the next three days, and I am looking forward to playing "go Fish," coloring, and cuddling as we watch cartoons.

--Red

To My Metro

2005-02-14T12:47:00.000-06:00

For the past few years I have consistently been disappointed on Valentine's Day. First, I had a health issue that complicated my realtionship three years ago. Then the following year my college boyfriend and I broke up right around V-Day, and last year I found out he was engaged. To put it mildly, I don't have a good track record when it comes to this Halmark Holiday. That is, until this year.

Metro came into my life when I didn't think I wanted him, or needed anyone for that matter. Now, I have discovered how much more joy and vibrance there is in life due to him. In about a week we will celebrate six months together, I am so thankful for these past six months. I have grown tremendously, and Metro has been pushing me the entire time. I never doubt his support for me, nor do I ever doubt his feelings. It hasn't always been a smooth ride, but life and relationships never are. Thankfully we have both stood by each other and held on. I love Metro, and on this day dedicated to love and romance I want to thank him for being with me.

I love you, Metro. I am a better person for having you in my life. The Great HP understood exactly what I didn't want to ask for. Thank you.

--Red

Happy Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T10:56:00.000-06:00

I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to be a part of Red's life. Especially since she has a lousy record when it comes to Valentine's Day. Apparently, things don't normally go well for her on February 14 each year. But, this year has been different. We had a wonderful time this weekend. We celebrated Valentine's Day a little early. She took me to see Les Miserables at the Fox Theatre. It was amazing. This has always been a dream of mine. Since 10th grade my favorite book has been Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. I had always wanted to see the musical, and Red made that dream a reality. We spent the night at a hotel downtown, and, apart from the ENORMOUS group of rednecks, it was awesome. There was a Monster Truck rally downtown, which explains the rednecks everywhere. (Sidenote: I grew up in Tupelo, MS so I'm allowed to make these comments). Anyway, I had a wonderful time and I just wanted to let Red know on Valentine's Day that I love her and she means the world to me. And, as Victor Hugo wrote, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

An Ode to St Valentine's

2005-02-09T13:03:00.000-06:00

For those of you who love this upcoming Holiday, congratulations to you for making it through a day filled with Halmark Romance and idealized relationships. For those of you, who like myself, detest this day filled with puffy clouds and flying naked babies I have co-opted a love poem to explain my feelings toward this day.

St. Valentine's

How Do I Hate Thee? Let me count the ways...

I Hate the Way Halmark has mass produced love and the world dear.

I hate the way chocolate is supposed to make me sweet.

I hate those stupid flowers I only get once a year.

I hate the way jewlrey commercials lead my stomach and toilet to meet.

I hate the pressure it puts on a twosome,

And even more so I hate the pressure that leads me to come undone.

Oh, St Valentine, where have you gone?

Please rescue me from this holiday hell

and keep me from jumping down some holiday well!

--Red

Loving the Crust of a MothaFucka

2005-02-07T15:20:00.000-06:00

Chris Rock once said that real love is loving the crust of a mothafucka, not just the outside crap. While my comment may seem a little crude and unromantic, my definition of romantic has changed considerably. For that, I apologize. But, there is so much truth to that. It is so easy for me to slip back into my old ways of thinking: It has to be perfect or It has to feel perfect or something is terribly wrong. I love Red, and when I say love I'm not talking about an emotion. Emotions are all over the place. If I rely on them I'm screwed. Nothing will ever be perfect all the time. Ever. Ever. People are people. Sometimes, I'm a jerk-- intentionally or unintentionally. Strong relationships appreciate the good stuff and work through the bad. That's love. Action-- not emotion. Love is a verb. You have to do it. As a wise man once said, "A relationship is not 50/50 or 60/40, It's 1000/0." That's love. Giving for the sake of giving. Thanks, Red, for the kind words about bagilla and maya (i.e, my brother and his now fiance). IT WAS ABOUT TIME! I love them so much, and I truely wish them the best.

Start of a new beginning

2005-02-07T15:12:00.000-06:00

Metro's brother got engaged over the weekend. They had been dating for about 6 years, and Metro has been telling his brother to get engaged for a while now. Sometimes taking that plunge into matrimony can be one of the hardest decisions. After all, you are committing to be with one person for the rest of your life. It is not easy, giving up your percieved freedom like that. I am extremely happy for the two of them. They love and compliment each other well. In this world it is so easy to be cynical and believe that love just doesn't happen, or even if it does it isn't meant to work out. I, on the other hand, being the helpless romantic that I am, can't help but believe that two people can work through just about anything as long as there is love. Love requires patience and generousity. It requires understanding and flexibility. It means you don't always get what you want or think you want, and even more so it means you give what the other person needs. Metro's brother and fiance have that, and I wish them the best. I only hope Metro and I can make it through the tough and easy stuff the way they have and will continue to do...

--Red

Hmmmm

2005-02-03T16:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not entirely sure why I've been avoiding this Blog lately. I'm not pensive, I just don't have a lot to say. I'm very happy about my relationship with Red. I'm a little sad that she views our current status as so hum drum. Maybe our big weekend out next weekend will help. I love her and hope she figures out what's bothering her..... That's all I got.

In that case

2005-02-02T15:40:00.000-06:00

In that case... Here is how I would respond, minus the cross talk.

I'm really feeling down today. Last night I was talking with my mom and she suggested it had something to do with Metro. I told her the relationship was going well, I couldn't ask for better. Then, of course, we got into how it's hard dating someone who is unemployed and bored. Hard was her word, since she is convinced my entire relationship with Metro is "hard." I don't really understand that since this is one of the easiest things I have ever done. Being in a relationship takes work--it's not easy, but it isn't hard either. It's work. Why I am feeling the way I am has nothing to do with the work Metro and I are putting into making our relationship work.

Finding out what is bothering me is not as easy task. It's not like I can just make a list of past wrongs and go "Aha! This is the reason." If I had to wager my best guess it would be the following:

I am an adult now, and I don't have anything to look forward to. It's not like you get vacations from life like you get vacations from school.
My family lives far away and I miss them and I don't want to bring it up to Metro because he gets frustrated because he already has a four year old asking about Mommy all the time.
I have not had a real weekend (2 days off in a row) in four weeks, and I will not have a real weekend for at least 3-4 weeks more.
Metro and I have now passed the time in our relationship where everything is exciting and sexy. We are developing habits, routines, and an inate understanding of each other. While, that in itself is a new and exciting thing it's hard to let go of the "newness."
I feel guilty because I am getting tired of sharing Metro with his meetings. I know how important it is, but sometimes I just wish he didn't have to go. Rush home, have dinner, spend 2 hours by myself, Metro comes home and I am tired/bored and he is pensive, then we go to bed. Really exciting. I can't begrudge him his recovery, and I didn't really want to talk about it to him because I didn't want him to think that I was trying to make him choose or anything.
The weather is so God Damned cloudy that I could just scream. I want a day where I can sit outside, drink my coffee, smoke my cigarettes and soak up the sun.
Plus, I'm just sad. Sometimes we don't just let ourselves be sad. Me especially. I spend so much of my energy working on maintaining that brave face that it wears you down.

So that's it. I'm sad, worn down, and out of energy. I love my life and I love Metro, but I'm just a little out of it. I'm not asking to be fixed, I'm just hoping to be accepted.

--Red

Cross Talk

2005-02-02T15:26:00.000-06:00

I didn't say I didn't care, or that I wasn't here for you. I just. . . I don't know what I just. I think something is bothering you. It is not nothing. There is something going on. When you are alone and feeling bad, what are you thinking? That's probably what it is that's bothering you. Here I go fixing... way to go, metro, way to not be mr. fix it. I think we are going to have to institute a no cross-talk rule (no comments directed toward another person's sharing).

Mr. Fix-it

2005-02-02T15:22:00.000-06:00

You're right, Metro, I don't want you to jump in and fix it, but I would love it if you at least leaned in. I know it is hard when I'm feeling down, but I really need a hug, and a cuddle, and a kiss. I know that I'm starting to wear on you because of being down, but I just really could use you. I don't know what is wrong, but I do know that the farther away you are the worst it feels.

--Red

Hungry

2005-02-02T14:42:00.000-06:00

I'm starving. That's about all I have right now. I'm hungry and red's not too happy. I'd like to jump in there and fix everything, but I figure she's a big girl and can best help herself.

Mental Health Day

2005-02-01T11:09:00.000-06:00

I need a mental health day, not just from work, but from life as well. Do you ever have those days where you just want to turn everybody off? You just want to get into your comfiest pajamas, grab a good book, a box of cleanex, a sappy movie or two, a case of diet coke, and your pack of cigarettes, and refuse to answer the phone. That is how I feel today. I probably have been feeling this way for a while, but it really hit me today. I think part of the reason is that Metro and I have not talked much the last few days. It's not like we haven't been in the same room, but when we are we have been quieter. Each of us wrapped up in ourselves, and neither wanting to talk about it. It wouldn't surprise me if Metro didn't notice, or at least not in the way I do, but that is not a criticism. I think I have been wanting him to talk about what seems to be bothering him. He says it is nothing, but then the pensive cloud covers his face. If he doesn't want to talk about it, I should be okay with it, but all I want is to know what is on his mind. Then again, since I'm at a point where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry it wouldn't surprise me is I'm overreacting. I wish I knew what was bothering me, and I wish he would just hold me tonight. Alas, that won't be possible...

--Red

Done

2005-01-31T15:53:00.000-06:00

Now, I feel like I've spent too much time on this. I'm over it. I was over it last night. She showed up, and I told her to go away. I love you. I know I don't have to convince you of that. And, I'm always willing to share with you. Going home.

--metro

Don't let your wants hurt you

2005-01-31T15:29:00.000-06:00

My Nana always used to say, "Don't let your wants hurt you," in an effort to stop my brother and I from wanting everything in sight. It took me a long time to understand what she meant in a deeper sense. Life, most of the time, is a game of wants. We all want what we can't have, and we all have what is seems like we don't want. The worst is when we want what we know we shouldn't have. There are a lot of things that I can not share wiht you, Metro, and sometimes I feel very left out. We met at a time where you were giving up things, and these are things we can never share. I am not saying that I want to share some of the horrors, but it is hard when someone else takes space in your brain, heart, and somewhere else, and you end up feeling left out. Silly, I suppose, but what can you do.

--Red

Negating

2005-01-31T15:11:00.000-06:00

They are just words. No... they are just feelings. What has always got me in trouble is feeling guilty, denying, and supressing my feelings. When she's around I feel things I'm not comfortable with, and it fucks with my head. That's all. I don't love her. I don't want her. I don't wish I could sleep with her. Ever felt good being bad? That's the side of me she digs up. I don't want it anymore. I'm not intersted in being "bad." There are too many fucking consequences that go with it and I always end in Les Miserables.

--metro

Just the Same

2005-01-31T15:07:00.000-06:00

While I recognise how far superior I am to her, and I know that you love me and I love you, that doesn't negate the power of words. While you may get a knot in your stomach, so did I, and I did not realize until just today that she did that to you. Keep faith, I know that I would win in a battle of pretty much anything but strength. Just the same, words have power, even more so when not spoken. Just like thoughts are powerful until they are said out loud. Isn't there some sort of myth or fable about this sort of thing...

---Red

Dark Angel, Dark Cumberbun, Dark Side of The Moon. No significance.

2005-01-31T14:50:00.000-06:00

First, she only has the power that I give her. And, I chose not to give her any. Second, the whole point is that I don't want a relationship that is DANGEROUS. I never said anything about exciting in relation to her. Our relationship is very exciting. And, there is no answer. That was exactly my point. They are just thoughts stirred up by that part of me that would have me useless and dead-- namely my addiction. When I see her or hear from her, I don't get giddy. What I do get is a knot in my stomach that makes me ill. Don't sweat it. I love you. As far as the name Dark Angel, I just didn't want to use her real name.

--metro

Dark Angel

2005-01-31T14:25:00.000-06:00

Funny how I learned more about the Dark Angel in the post than what you told me. I think I like our blog because of that. Sometimes it is hard to share things with each other that could be hard to hear. If this Dark Angel is really that dangerous, if she affects you that much, then I want to know about it. We both find other people attractive, and we both have our secret (or not so secret) lusts, that’s fine. I guess I just didn’t realize the effect the Dark Angel had on you, and I’m a little shocked by the discovery. Plus, I go by Red, but you call her the Dark Angel. Does she really hold such a spot in your life? Is it regret that you did not have any carnal experiences with her? It is tough not to attempt to compare yourself, and until now I had always found her lacking, Metro. We have a great partnership, but is it not exciting or dangerous enough? While I know that we love each other, I had not realized the power she had over you. When instances occur, you are left wondering if love is enough, or do you still need that sense of danger? I don't know the answer.

They're Just Thoughts

2005-01-31T13:46:00.000-06:00

Annoying experience to share. I had someone show up at my place last night that is no good for me. None whatsoever. I know this. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. But, that doesn't stop my sick ass from romancing the what ifs that always screw life up. I'm extremely thankful that my partner, Red, was there when the Dark Angel showed up. The thing is that I like this dangerous person, but for all the wrong reasons. Most of them are carnal and self-destructive. I digress. The point is that I beat up on myself for having that thought or feeling. Why can't my mind just leave me alone and let me be happy with what I have? I learned something from a friend after talking about this. They are just thoughts, and I am powerless over them. "What did you do?" he asked. I went back inside. "So, you didn't act on that thought?" he adds. Nope. I didn't and that is all that matters. I know what I really want. . . Red and the wonderful relationship we have. Today, I'm not going to let sick thoughts screw that up.

--metro

Passing in the night

2005-01-31T13:34:00.000-06:00

It is so interesting to me how you can reach a point in a relationship where two people can be together in the same room and yet be farther away than imaginable. When I say this I say it in the sense of being content with each other--not where you are so mad you have forced the other person into exhile in their own home. The instance I am talking about it where you have reached that plateau of comfortness where you can sit around naked, pop the zits on their back, and know what they want from the kitchen before they even ask. Then again, it's almost more than that. It's the place where you can be completely yourself, as if you are alone, but the other person is there with you. It's difficult to explain, but it is that feeling where nothing could go wrong, and the other person almost melds into the back ground. That's not right either. IF you have a better way of explaining it I'd love to hear it.

2005-01-29T17:53:00.000-06:00

You know they know

2005-01-28T13:40:00.000-06:00

It always amazes me how we both know, and yet we are both to stubborn to say anything. This was the conversation I had with my mother, and my partner's last post says it all as well.

"As I was leaving he told me he loves me. Then I told him that I know. He said that he knows tha I know, but sometimes we all just need to hear it sometimes." -- me
"Sounds like he knows what's bothering you and knows you really well." -- mom

Don't you hate it when they are right?

Cutting off my leg to spite my ass

2005-01-28T13:10:00.000-06:00

Interesting, how as couples we know things and yet plead ingorance. You know. They know. The whole world knows, but nothing gets said. At one time, this bothered me. But, part of growing is changing and accepting. I believe several things regarding this issue.

The world doesn't revolve around me.
Sometimes things are better left simmering until they're done.
I don't have to save anyone anymore.

Being the self-centered, ego-maniacal person I am, I want shit resolved. I don't like the uncomfortable feelings that go along with tension- whether it be one-sided or not. Big surprise, I don't deal well with feelings. So, I like to try and force things to a head, so we can either get mad or get over it. What I failed to accept for so long is that things will get there. I usually make it worse by taking a shortcut- hit some deer, get stuck, get a flat, run through a creek, and a variety of other unpleasantries. So, I believe I have to leave it alone and let it finish cooking. More importantly, I know it's not about me. If my motives are trustworthy, then I am trustworthy. We all have our own baggage, and the partner I am with decided with me that we should carry our own. Shit happens. Feelings crop up. No one's perfect, especially not me.

The Green Eyed Monster

2005-01-28T11:42:00.000-06:00

Jealousy is an interesting emotion. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it, and then it devours you until you are nothing left but a shell of your former self. I hate the feeling of jealousy. It makes me crazy--leaves me breathless, wanting, and desperate for attention. Unfortuate for me, I was visited by this emotion just a few days ago.

To preface this story of jelousy I should disclose a piece of information about me. I hate horror movies. Not only do I hate them, I refuse to watch them. I have never seen one, and I never want to. I know that some may wonder how I can hate something I have never seen, but I'm pretty sure I know I would hate liver, and I have never tried it. Same logic applies to horror movies. Back to the story--my partner loves horror movies, and hates the fact that I refuse to watch them. Lucky for him he has made a new friend who also loves horror movies, so they decided to watch one together. Enter the jealousy.

Not being a horror afficiando myself my first thought was there would be cuddling, and then holding, and comforting, and..and...and... You get my drift. Granted, I am in such a great relationship that is filled with love and trust. However, the jealousy didn't seem to remember that. So as I sat at home watching CSI, there was my partner with her. Keep in mind she is married, and a lesbian, but for some reason jealousy doesn't do well with rational. As I was sitting at home I kept being bothered which only lead to one thing--me being irritated that I was bothered. I am a stong confident woman who loves her partner deeply, and I know he feels the same way, yet for some reason I just couldn't get over it.

Lucky for me it is now the next day and I am over it. Damn jealousy--sneaks up on you when you least expect it and leaves you breathless, wanting, and desperate to be validated.

Skeletons and other such demons

2005-01-27T15:14:00.000-06:00

Often times in relationships one must face the darkness of the past. Easily said than done. It's never fun to look your lover in the eye and tell them who you were and who you are. You never know what kind of reaction they may have--will they think you dirty, will they think you inexperienced, will they think you less than the person they asked out in the first place. Usually the response is not what was expected, and if you are truly lucky the response can fuel a desire to know even more. Lucky for me my skeletons and other demons brought us closer, and in fact keep us together some days. The past is what made you who you are today, and hopefully it influences the decisions you make as well. I will not say I am proud of everything, but I regret nothing. Lucky for me, my partner doesn't as well. Don't be afraid to share--most often you'll be surprised at the result.